Blessing #39 - That Little Voice Deep From Deep Inside



As long as you have yourself, then you are never alone.



"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)



Blessing #38 - Becoming the Person You Choose

Tomorrow will be my 100th day as a nonsmoker.  In the past three months, I have given up many bad habits and picked up some all new ones.  The big difference is that I have chosen which ones I want to carry forward and which ones are not worth my time.  Here's to those defining their own destinies and identities.  It's a struggle but is infinitely worthwhile. 

Blessing #37 - Electric Mattress Pads

Have I mentioned how wonderful my new electric mattress pad is?  It's like a whole body heating pad that melts the pain (mostly) out of my legs and back after they bunch up from the uneven floors at work or sleep seizures that I still haven't completely shaken.

I LOVE this thing!  ;-)

Blessing #36 - Simple Pleasures

A nice hot bath, a glass (or two) of Zinfandel, a good book, and scented candles make for perfect girl time, but when you add in freshly laundered bedding, a new heated mattress pad, and a fantabulous veggie pizza for dinner then you make for one heavenly evening.

Blessing #35 - Christopher Allen Todd

Ah, yes.....everyone has that one person that comes into one's life and changes it forever.  For me that was Chris, and with Chris it was a mixed blessing.  The first time I remember meeting him was on my wedding day.  He and his wife had been friends with my new husband.  He even gave a toast.  He quickly became one of my closest friends.  When we found out I was pregnant with Libby, he and his wife were obvious choices for godparents.  The two of them even came to the hospital for my c-section and helped John through the waiting game (I had to be put completely under due to underlying medical problems and the anesthesiologist was concerned that I still may not make it through).  He stood beside me through the divorce, and the two of us shared secrets....like our history of suicide attempts and ongoing battles with depression.  He truly became the other half of my heart....
Then he asked me out.  I said no.  I couldn't risk our friendship; it meant way too much....and, as much as I hate to admit it, I couldn't bear the thought of putting him in the cross hairs of my less intelligent, open-minded family members.  There was just too much at risk.  He went so far as to have me put my mother on the phone to try to work the affection he knew she had for him to press his advantage.  She sided with me.  When I got off the phone, I was worried about the next time I saw him, and I was angry with him for putting me in that position...I didn't hear from him again...Four days later I got the call.  He had lost his battle, and I still struggle every day with the guilt that I drown in for so long. 
Even though he left far to quickly, and I have struggled with his loss for so long, he IS still a blessing that I am very glad I could count for the time I got to spend with him.  I think everyone needs to be able to find a kindred and regardless those moments were precious.

Blessing #34 - Fate Sending Friendly Faces at Just the Right Time

Today, fate (and the Internet) steered some interesting people into the Canteen.  At first they seemed like any other group of tourists.  They heard about the Canteen on yelp.com and were the kid of customer that makes the day go faster, asking questions and really enjoying the Canteen experience.  She even went so far as to try a Canteen-del-Christa (loose meat with corn chips, ketchup, and onion in a cup instead of on a bun).  We all got to giggle at him when he asked what "pie a la mode" was.   The older gentleman with them, Normand,  was quiet but had smiling eyes and a gracious energy that poured out of him. Yup, they were thoroughly enjoyable customers and that was before I found out what made them remarkable.
You see, these three people are currently touring the country in an RV screening the documentary film Lost In Woonsocket.  Normand is one of the subjects, and I'm looking forward to receiving my copy as soon as I can get the $20.00 on my card to order it.  The film is about two alcoholic homeless men that struggle with the landmines of life on the road to recovery.  Being someone that has struggled with substance abuse issues and suicide survival in my past, it is always life affirming to meet people that aren't afraid of their own voices and are willing to go the extra mile to be a person of meaning.

Lost & Found In America Tour

Sometimes, fate puts people in your life, even for just a moment, exactly when they are supposed to be there.  I had been starting to have a hard time focusing on my progress, and instead I've been feeling like I just now woke up.  With tomorrow being the 4th anniversary of Chris's suicide (the event that finished pushing me over the edge into my whirlwind alcohol and drug addled breakdown that took my kids, my home, my job, and my self respect) meeting them tonight hopefully will help keep my perspective during the next 24 hours.  So I'm very thankful fate decided to toss them my direction tonight.

Blessing #33 - Surprising Myself

Today I was asked to figure out how to administer the voicemail system and automated attendant at the law office.  Armed with 2 technical manuals and a basic idea of how telephone systems run, I surprised myself by exceeding every one's expectations and figuring out pretty much everything I needed before the IT guy was able to return my call.  For an undereducated field tested button masher, I am pretty darned happy with myself.

Blessing #32 - Perspective

Blessing #31 - Microwave Popcorn and Arby's Milkshakes

Jamocha me crazy.  What started as a joke with my ex turned into a 2 hour completely healthy conversation about what went wrong, what we've learned, and what we need from each other going forward to rebuild our trust in each other. 

Blessing #30 - Fresh Baked

I love fresh pepperoni rolls!

Blessing #29 - Lazy Days and Sundays

I totally spaced on posting yesterday because I was so wrapped up in life.  Mom made homemade soup.  We all sat around watching movies all afternoon.  I followed that all off with a nice bubble bath and a good night from my kids.  I guess that means yesterday was a VERY good day.

Blessing #29 - Brother Sister Time

Mom and Dad were out of town for a funeral today, so Gregory and I got some bonding time in between shifts.  Lunch was Breadeaux (pizza for him and "hot" wings for me) then after work we hit up the Appanoose Rapids Brewing Company for nibbles and then Tom Tom Tavern for drinks.  Not overly impressed with the Tom Tom.  It seemed very small and the crowd was standoffish, but it was nice to get out for a moment.

The food at Breadeaux was pretty good.  Greg had an almost religious experience with his pizza.  Fresh mozzarella and a tart yet sweet sauce helped make this the best pizza either one of us has had in decades.  I enjoyed my wings, but I was surprised that they did not coat them with sauce but instead gave the sauce on the side.  The sauce, however, was really well.

Appanoose Rapids Brewing Company had a wonderful vibe.  I wasn't hungry so Greg grabbed a sandwich and I obstained.  He had ordered the Cuban, but our server brough him a Reuben by mistake.  He took a substantial bite out of it when the waitress came up, apologizing all over herself for mistake, and advised him of the screw up.  The bad thing is....he liked the Reuben better.

Yup all in all it was a yummy day and a blast spending time out of the house with my brother.

Blessing #28 - Sleeping In

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.  ~Irish Proverb

Blessing #27 - Taquitos and TV

Dad and I split a box of taquitos while watching the Big Bang Theory mini-marathon tonight.  Even though he was in an argumentative mood, we ended up spending the night giggling like school girls.  Moments like this really make me feel like I can conquer the world.

Blessing #26 - Surprise Endings

Nobody in this house saw this year's America's Got Talent turning out quite the way it did.  Mom was pulling more for Prince Poppycock, Dad was expecting Jackie Evancho to walk away with everything, and I, well, I was torn between the two.  None of us were right as the exceptionally talented but better suited to American Idol Michael Grimm walked away with the million dollar prize and the support of millions.  I guess some times it is best to put your money on the underdog, and Michael has walked a rough enough road to be an inspirational story.  Congratulations, Michael. 

Blessing #25 - Busy Days

Today I officially started working at a local law firm here in Ottumwa.  I was pleased to find that I really enjoyed my shift, and, from what I saw today, I'm really going to enjoy this part of my adventure.
After getting off of job #1 (law office), I walked over to the dollar store, bought some hair ties, and then went on to job #2 (Canteen).  My shift there was a blast even though I couldn't seem to get my mouth to work right at all.  Brenda actually smacked me trying to knock some sense back into my head.
So from the time I woke up at 7 AM I was running on all cylinders until I got off at 7 PM.  I guess time really does fly when you are having fun.

Blessing #24 - The Night Before Nerves

It's official - I can't sleep.  My mind is going about 40,000 miles a minute because I'm so amped about tomorrow.  I love new adventures and that includes the jittery crazy nerves of the night before a life change.  Lookout world.  Here I come.  :-)

Blessing #23 - Songs That Put A Smile On Your Face

I had a really blah kind of day, so I had a really hard time trying to find something to write about today.  I decided to hop onto YouTube and find some songs that would put the spring back in my step.  That's when it hit me.  The biggest blessing of my day has been the healing power of music; more precisely cheesy pop songs.

Blessing #22 - Giggle Fits

A Korean War veteran told me today that "giggling girls live the longest."  He said this of course after saying a bunch of goofy, joyful things to get me giggling in the first place.  Thank you to my giggle godfather for my moment of Zen today.

Blessing #21 - The Kindness of Strangers

Today at work, I saw something that really touched me.  A couple of teenage girls came in to the Canteen.  Apparently one of the girls had lived here her entire life and never had been to the Canteen, so her friend used the last of her allowance to treat her friend.  Unfortunately she only had enough money for the pair to split a sandwich.  This did not go unnoticed by a adult patron a few stools down.  As the girls finished their sandwich, the patron, a stranger to both girls, put another sandwich for the pair on her tab, settled up at the cashier, and left.

Occasionally I get to witness people behaving in a way that makes me forget about all the petty backbiting that seems the norm.  I felt very blessed to witness this random act of kindness today. 

Blessing #20 - Thank You for Smoking

Today the family all gathered together to watch the 2006 movie "Thank You for Smoking." It was a rare moment of real, unaffected togetherness for a group that is constantly spat and spit as families are wont to do. As we have all settled into the new reality of living together again and in light of the struggles all of us have faced over the past couple years, it has been harder and harder to find those moments where everything seems ok. Laughing with my family over this tongue in cheek story is exactly the kind of thing I have missed for so long.

Blessing #19 - Blackberry Pie

'Nuff said.

Blessing #18 - Lucky Days

For the most part I believe that each person creates their own luck.  Having said that, today was the first really lucky day I've had in quite a while.  I was roused from bed early this morning with a phone call asking me to come in for an interview at the Canteen Lunch.  I went in for the interview which was a very quick, truly enjoyable encounter.  I was home no more than an hour when Shirlee called and asked me to start immediately--as tonight.  While I was on the phone with Shirlee, Jason from Manpower called to inform me the law office I interviewed at last week wants me to start one week from today.  The schedules for both jobs are compatible, and I genuinely enjoyed my interaction with both employers.  I decided to accept both jobs.  Granted I'm going to be bringing home less money that I did in Columbus (the Canteen position won't even cover my child support), but I have officially rejoined the work force. 

I also "won" free tickets to Richmond Funny Bone, but, since I moved out of Virginia over a year ago, I don't think I'm going to get much use out of them.

Blessing #17 - Peaceful Easy Feelings

The family took a walk along the Des Moines River today.  We had more good moments than painful ones during our excursion, so I have to call it a success.  We were escorted by butterflies and dragon flies.  We climbed down the river bank and under a bridge, and there was a moment where for the first time in years it felt like we were all seeing the same thing. 

Blessing #16 - Variety IS The Spice of Life

My mother and I, de-stressed and recharged, can find quite an interesting adventure when left to our own devices.  Today we hit up a local art festival, tried to do some shopping (I'm way to picky with other people's money), and most importantly hit up the local library.  Call me crazy bu,t from the looks of these book, perhaps we were a little late getting out.

She picked out the top two....I'm just sayin'.

Blessing #15 - Logan Pennington

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of the untimely passing of my high school friend Logan Pennington, his brother Ben, and their father.  Instead of going over the tragedy of that moment, I'd like to take today to remember what a wonderful guy he was.  Logan was one of those classmates that I saw everyday, but never got tired of seeing.  He was always quick to smile, and I always felt this "little brother" draw from him.  No matter what was going on in my life he always had my back and would let me drone on and on without judgement or censure.

 I wish I had been able to carry his burdens.  I wish I had been able to protect him better, but I will NEVER regret the time I had with him.

I love you, Log.  You are one blessing that will always be in my heart.

Blessing #14 - Hope

My interview today went very well.  This time I really do think I'm going to get out of this house and back into the working world.  Yea Me!

Blessing #13 - New Beginnings

Ryan and Libby getting ready for her first day.

Libby started kindergarten today.  That means all of my babies are officially growing up on me.  With 13 years ahead of us of science projects, spelling tests, and, eventually, boy/girl dances, her father and I both had to take a breath today and realize that her story apart from us is beginning today.

I have an interview tomorrow for a job that would be a outside of the call center world all together.  I don't know that I'll get the job, but I have a feeling that that chapter of my life is over and going forward any job I get will require that I start from scratch building a new identity outside the call center/collections world.

Tomorrow is 5 years since I left my husband.  I can't say that my life is better today than it was back then, but it is definitely different.  I'd like to think we have both grown because of what has happened since then, but for now I can take comfort that I have faith that I did make the right decision.

So here's to new beginnings....they may not always end the way we expect, but they always open up a new adventure.