Vacation from Posting...

I just hopped on here to say that I have not been able to post for a few days now and will be unable to post for several more days to come.  We are in the final stages of preparation for our move back east.  I will catch everyone up with a massive post w/pictures once we are happily settled in at home. 

Blessing #74 - Well Timed Phone Calls

What can I say?  Today has been 24 hours of ups and downs here at the homestead.  I'm not sure if it is being caused by stress from the impending move, underlying friction from our individual complexes, or just from too much together time since Greg and I have been off work (okay so I've picked up a couple shifts during my unemployment but still....).  Added to that was the disappointment of a fractured friendship, that seems to be crumbling around me because of insecurities and mistrust I've been carrying around after a betrayal that is months old, and the apprehension of a possible new relationship separated by a couple hundred miles, a time zone, and a world of possibilities roadblocks, and you can see why I've been more than a little on edge these past couple days. 

Today, however, I recieved a phone call from my favorite adult male literally as I was walking off from a fight between my parents about computer settings, and then I got to speak to my oldest son followng a terse exchange with a lifelong friend who has been stalking my dreams lately with death imagery.  It always amazes me how the voice of someone you really love can chase away the demons.  <3 <3 <3 

Thank you, guys, for reminding me that I am loved and, more importantly, accepted neuroses and all.

Blessing #73 - Outdated Stereotype + Slightly Flawed Game Design = Good Times

Today for $10, I picked up a copy of Calvin Trucker's Redneck Games for Wii.  This is a game I played at Ang's place with some people that were very special to me.  It's not the best game on the market.  The graphics are cheesy, the sound track is cheesy, the concept is....well....cheesy, but it survies as something of a touch stone for me because I had some really good times playing this trashtastic romp.

 

Blessing #72 - Touring the Land of Tulips

Pella, IA is a small town that was primarily settled by Dutch immigrants.  The unique architecture and feel of this town was a pleasant distraction for a family trip.    

 

Blessing #71 - Brunch With Mom

Mom and I went to brunch, just the two of us, at the Second Street Hotel.  I have to say, it was the first time I ever had sausage gravy on green beans, but it worked. 

Blessing #70 - Rainbows

A sign of a promise...

to always be hiding.....

behind the clouds.

Blessing #69 - Mwhahaha

First of all....69....need I say more?  Mwhahaha


Okay on a serious note, today was my last day of work at Gaumer, Emanuel, Carpenter, & Goldsmith.  Everyone was so sweet.  The girls all brought in food, Gina got me a Bath and Body Works gift pack, and Bunny made me give her a hug before she left. They did everything they could to make my last day as pleasant and welcoming as every other day.  I can't imagine a better group to have passed the last few weeks with.

....and I got a good night story last night from my favorite guy. 

Blessing #68 - It's Mario Time!




3 hours of head to head Wii Mario with Greg....priceless.  I can't remember the last time I heard him laugh as much as he did today spitting me off cliffs and throwing me into fires.

 

Blessing #67 - Sleeping the Day Away

Wasn't feeling well when I got home from work, so I ended up going straight to bed.  I didn't wake up till dinner and haven't done anything of note since then.  Sometimes the lazy days are actually the most productive when it comes to healing the body and soul.

Blessing #66 - Wii, Wii, Wii....All the Way Home

Yesterday's blessing posted late......

Got home from work to discover that mom and dad bought a Wii today.  I'm amped cause I love the Wii.  Now I get to get all the fun of picking out games for us to play.

Then we all went to a bonfire at my friend Brenda's house.  I haven't seen dad this entertained and relaxed in a long time.  We all, genuinely, enjoyed ourselves.  :-)

Blessing #65 - Walkabout Wisdom 3

Blessing #64 - Surprise Family Time

Gregory was let go early from his job.  His last day was to be Saturday, but we ended up getting some extra family time today when they released him within an hour of reporting.  "How did we use this extra time together?" you ask.  FOOD!  Family dinner at Applebee's.  YUM!

Mom, Dad, and Greg had their first desert shooters... GOOD TIMES.

Blessing #63 - Wonky Days

First I tried to do the supply order at work and ran across this......

yes look at that more carefully...the description of the toner cartridge says....
 Grill sandwiches and waffles with your free 2 slice sandwich maker....
I guess some companies will do anything for a sale nowadays.

Then a woman came in to ask if we had an original will from the 1970's.  Initially that isn't weird but when you consider the person died in 1984, and they have never put the estate into probate.....that means that one cousin got away with living on the land for over 20 years while the other cousin paid for the taxes and now neither one of them actually has legal claim to the property....OUCH!

Blessing #62 - Sorry Ghost Rider Pattern is Full

Unmanned vehicle hit my parent's van today.  The BIGGEST blessing of the day was that nobody got hurt and there were no major damages.

Blessing #61 - Two Fingers of (Butter) Scotch and Some Sage (Words)

The one thing that I love about real friends is that they always tell you how it is even when it is going to hurt.  In the past 24 hours, two friends with very different experiences of me have both field checked me. 

First Joe was pretty blunt in addressing my reaction to the doctor wanting to burn out my uterus.  He very plainly explained that my fears about completely closing the door to the idea of risking another pregnancy, stating that any guy who really loved me would be able to look past my broken girlie bits....and he was completely right. (I'm still not going to rush into anything irreversible without a. a second opinion or b. insurance to pay for it.)  I can't fault his logic as he said everything I would have to any of my friends if they were in the same situation, but I guess I just needed to hear it from him.

Then today Hooch helped put in perspective another situation that has been bothering me lately.  Okay so maybe I got off the phone crying and then stayed in my bedroom bawling like a 5 year old for the rest of the night doubting my value as a person in the lives of those I love.  Maybe I ended up with bruised feelings in a overly tender heart, but having drowned my sorrows in a butterscotch milkshake I'm feeling reasonably optimistic that I'll have a better grasp on life very soon.

Love you both, but bartender keep it coming.

Blessing #60 - Blueberry Muffin Pudding

Just when I thought there was no way for junk food to tempt me further than the butterscotch cream pie that stares at me all day at work, I discovered blueberry muffin Snack Packs.  OMG....as long as they continue to produce this decadent treat I'm a full fledged devotee.

Blessing #59 - Target Ups Their Curve Appeal

Target has carried "fat girl jeans" for a while, but their new Fit 1-6 line has finally added jeans that are cut with woman shaped hip/rear/thigh line.  Up till recently all the jeans there seemed to be cut with a straight hip line, so women that had, well, womanly assets struggled with finding a jean that would both go over the fuller parts and not gape at the waist without taking them to a seamstress. 

I'm pleased to say that I am now the proud owner of an indigo wash pair of jeans that fit as well as they feel.  :-)

Blessing #58 - 120 Down; A Lifetime to Go

I have officially been a non-smoker for 120 days.  This is the longest I have gone without a smoke outside of pregnancy since I was 16.  If I made it this far, I'm feeling very confident that I will never go back to smoking again.

Blessing #57 - Walkabout Wisdom #2

Blessing #56 - Yin and Yang of Personal Care

Good news is the doctor has come up with an option to resolve at least some of my health problems.  The doctor wants to cauterize my uterus to stop/slow my female cycles.  If it works this would resolve my heavy flow issues and also could help limit the number of menstrual triggered seizures and other complications I have been struggling with for years. 

Bad news is there is no way to get the procedure approved and completed before we move back out east.  That means the onus is on me when I get back to West Virginia to either find affordable health insurance that does not have a preexisting conditions exclusion OR find another way to finance this out of pocket.  The other part of the bad news is that this procedure will not completely remove the possible need for a hysterectomy down the road in response to my abnormal paps and history of gynecological cysts/fibroid masses. 

A friend suggested I ask all my facebook friends for $20.00 as a way of raising funds.  I told her I didn't think it was quite that bad yet, but I'd let her know before I hit the street corner with a tin cup.  ;-)

The other major draw back is that this procedure would completely destroy any chance I had at even considering having my tubal ligation reversed to have children with any future husband.  I shouldn't have been considering it anyway since the reason for tying my tubes was the concerns of my OBGYN at the time.  He felt that my life and that of future pregnancies would be at risk if I continued to reproduce.  I can't say that I was really ready to offer my womb up to even the right person, but I had been giving the idea serious consideration lately. 

I guess I'm just going to have to hold out hope that either that special someone will be able to accept my inability to reproduce or that I eventually I meet someone that will be able to love me, missing pieces and all. 

Blessing #55 - Walkabout Wisdom #1

Blessing #54 - New Shoes

Got me some new shoes today.  Rock-n-Fit pod bottomed fitness shoes in bronze.  I've been wearing them most of the day, and I will admit that the outside of my calves and hips definitely feel a little worse for wear.  Here's to hoping.  Tomorrow mom and I are going to get back into the habit of walking again.  Starting with a stroll down the riverwalk, so I guess that I should charge my phone so I can snap some pics and make the most of it.

Blessing #53 - Sister Secrets

Sometimes the best secrets are those shared between sisters.  I love you, Annie-Dots, and I think you are a pretty slick chick.  I hope we have many, many years ahead of ourselves, sharing secrets and smiles and songs.  Just think, in just over a month we'll be back in the same state again.  Watch out world, you ain't seen nothing like the Western-girls calling their own shots.  ;-)



Blessing #52 - Hope for the Holidays

My oldest asked me today if (assuming we could convince his dad) he could be with me for Christmas.   After having been alone for the past 2 years at the holidays feeling lost and hopeless, I now actually have hope for a happy holiday season.  I don't know if he realizes just how far that one moment went to heal the years of despair and fear that have been constant companions since I lost custody of my children.  I've spent what feel like a life time convinced that as the time passes they need/want me less and less.  I've convinced myself more than once that they would have happier, more well adjusted if I wasn't a part of their lives anymore.  Tonight he proved to me without question that he still does want me, that I am relevant to their lives, and that things will some day get better. 

I love you, Jamie.  Thank you for the biggest blessing I could even imagine at this point.   When I said tonight was going to be about dragons, I didn't realize you were going to be the one slaying them.

Blessing #51 - A Perfect Evening

Start with 1 bottle Dragonberry Bacardi....

Add Big Bang Theory on CBS.......

....and finish up with speaking with good friends, spending time with my amazing family, and enjoying the fact that I don't have to get up early tomorrow...

could this be heaven?





Yup I think it just may be, despite the lack of a Jesus in a tuxedo T.

Blessing #50 - Afternoon Naps

I wasn't feeling well so I came home early from job #1 and took a nap this afternoon.  While I didn't feel a LOT better when I woke up, I have to admit that the luxury of an afternoon nap is something that always makes me feel happy, even if it doesn't make me feel well.

Blessing #49 - Jamie's Cell Phone

Far be it from me to actually approve of anything my ex husband does concerning our son, but Jamie having a cell phone has been a HUGE help with being able to keep in touch with him.  Some times I don't have the time to call before he should be in bed.  Other times I'm not doing well with my verbal/auditory skills because of my neurological problems.  Ergo sometimes speaking over the phone just isn't an option no matter how much I miss him.  While it may be hard for people who are fully able to understand what it means to be "dis"abled, especially if it's an intermittent condition, being able to text whenever I want is AMAZING!  So kudos and thank you for blessing me with a way to speak to him no matter what.

Blessing #48 - Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Just started reading Quirk Classic's Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.  Not overly impressed with writing but have to admit I love the concept.  While I definately can see Elizabeth Bennet as an assertive, tempermental zombie slayer, I'm not sure I buy the idea that in a post plague world there would still be time for balls and high tea.

Blessing #47 - In Honor of My Sons...

Today's blessing is

Turtles!



Stay thirsty, my friend




Blessing #46 - Decisions, Decisions...





It's official....we've decided to say the hell with Iowa next month and head back east.  We will be starting in Petersburg and from there....who knows. 





Take me home, country roads.

Blessing #45 - Pain

"Good morning, heartache, it's good to see you again.  I was beginning to wonder when you would return.  I see that you have been visiting many of my loved ones this week.  For a minute, I thought you had moved on, but since you're hear I would like to say thank you for blessing us with your presence."

 Okay, so maybe I'm not that happy about being surrounded by trouble and turmoil, but I am sincere in my appreciation for the pain of living. 

 I know what you are thinking.  "I thought this was supposed to be about the blessings in life."  You are absolutely correct, and so am I because your pain is an important part of you joy Khalil Gibran (one of my favorite writers ever) said “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”  I agree with this completely. 

In a time and culture obsessed with ensuring comfort (physical, spiritual, emotional, moral...etc), often times we often miss out on the opportunity to truly challenge ourselves to reach our full potential in any aspect of ourselves.  In finding the balance in accepting those things that are not ideal or (gasp) painful, we often find the best parts of ourselves, reserves of strength and motivation we were unaware we possessed.  So whether you are dealing with a friend's incarceration, the loss of a parent, or the fear of seemingly insurmountable challenge I ask you to not only allow yourself fully experience every moment of your struggle, but to also realize the blessings that come to you from facing this straight on with your head held high as you create your own balance in yourself and your world.

Blessing #44 - Realizing This Is Realy #45

Because apparently even with an IQ of 137, I am incapable of counting to 30....yup that's right, check it out... I have 2 #29s on here... and it only took me a month to catch it.  I'm leaving it the way it is though...keeps me humble and honest. 

Blessing #43 - Finding Balance in Unexpected Ways



"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter
 rises was oftentimes filled with your tears." Khalil Gibran



Today at my afternoon job, we received an irate call from a customer because their sandwich was not correct when they got home.  I attempted to make it right by offering to have the correct sandwich made and waiting for him to pick up.  I offered to write his name down in order to allow him to get his order next time on the house.  I expressed all the empathy and understanding possible from someone that has taken escalated/irate calls for almost a decade (which is to say I did everything humanly possible short of offering the guy a kidney) to no avail.  Then Brenda got on the line, repeated the entire song and dance, and ended up insulting and hanging up on the guy.  Yet in the midst of all this, somehow we ended up bringing in 4 times our normal amount of tips, getting compliments from an unusually high number of diners, and getting extra cleaning done between customers. 

I guess the moral I found in my shift tonight, along with the general theme of the past couple of days, is that balance is always there if you take the time to really look for it.  For every good there really is a bad and the other way round.  So often, I push myself forward towards my desired outcome cursing any road block that comes up between me and what I want, but it appears the universe it trying to teach me patience by tipping my scales every now and then in gentle ways to remind me who exactly really calls the shots.  I hope that by embracing my balance (and imbalances) I can become a more loving, accepting person.

Blessing #42 - Accepting the Rebirth/Renewal Cycle

In order for one cycle to begin another must first end. Like the early corn harvest the farmers have enjoyed this year, myself and some of my loved ones have been reaping the rewards of harvesting the pieces of ourselves that have fully ripened and have the unfortunate troubling task of separating out the stalks that once held us towards the suns love.  I for one am doing so with eyes open and respect in my soul for the troubling tasks ahead.  So today I choose to celebrate my place in the cycle of my own renewal and send love to those that are struggling with their own.

Blessing #41 - Creating Sacred Space

I don't know why exactly those little day to day rituals do so much to create a bubble of sacred space even in the most harried and stressful situations?  Today not only did I take the time to make chicken Alfredo from scratch and take a nice long green tea scented bath, and it took me from being on edge and emotional to being energized and at peace (weird combo but hey I'm a weird girl).  When I was a child, i said a child's prayers.  As an youth, I mimicked the faith life of the adults in my life.  As an adult I've found the best way to get in touch with the divine in me is to get in touch with myself through the little moments I get creating, cleansing, and contemplating. 

Blessing #40 - Loving With A Whole Heart

My heart has been singing the past couple days.  A person that I have held strong feelings for years towards has taken the time to express his respect for me and his joy in having me in his life.  Regardless of what path we will or will not end up on in the future, the fact that this person, who has had every reason to write me off, sees value in me and genuinely feels loved by me after everything....well it gives fills my heart with joy in knowing that there are people out there who will judge me for the person I am at heart not the mistakes that I've made in the past or the struggles I've had inside my self.

Blessing #39 - That Little Voice Deep From Deep Inside



As long as you have yourself, then you are never alone.



"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)



Blessing #38 - Becoming the Person You Choose

Tomorrow will be my 100th day as a nonsmoker.  In the past three months, I have given up many bad habits and picked up some all new ones.  The big difference is that I have chosen which ones I want to carry forward and which ones are not worth my time.  Here's to those defining their own destinies and identities.  It's a struggle but is infinitely worthwhile. 

Blessing #37 - Electric Mattress Pads

Have I mentioned how wonderful my new electric mattress pad is?  It's like a whole body heating pad that melts the pain (mostly) out of my legs and back after they bunch up from the uneven floors at work or sleep seizures that I still haven't completely shaken.

I LOVE this thing!  ;-)

Blessing #36 - Simple Pleasures

A nice hot bath, a glass (or two) of Zinfandel, a good book, and scented candles make for perfect girl time, but when you add in freshly laundered bedding, a new heated mattress pad, and a fantabulous veggie pizza for dinner then you make for one heavenly evening.

Blessing #35 - Christopher Allen Todd

Ah, yes.....everyone has that one person that comes into one's life and changes it forever.  For me that was Chris, and with Chris it was a mixed blessing.  The first time I remember meeting him was on my wedding day.  He and his wife had been friends with my new husband.  He even gave a toast.  He quickly became one of my closest friends.  When we found out I was pregnant with Libby, he and his wife were obvious choices for godparents.  The two of them even came to the hospital for my c-section and helped John through the waiting game (I had to be put completely under due to underlying medical problems and the anesthesiologist was concerned that I still may not make it through).  He stood beside me through the divorce, and the two of us shared secrets....like our history of suicide attempts and ongoing battles with depression.  He truly became the other half of my heart....
Then he asked me out.  I said no.  I couldn't risk our friendship; it meant way too much....and, as much as I hate to admit it, I couldn't bear the thought of putting him in the cross hairs of my less intelligent, open-minded family members.  There was just too much at risk.  He went so far as to have me put my mother on the phone to try to work the affection he knew she had for him to press his advantage.  She sided with me.  When I got off the phone, I was worried about the next time I saw him, and I was angry with him for putting me in that position...I didn't hear from him again...Four days later I got the call.  He had lost his battle, and I still struggle every day with the guilt that I drown in for so long. 
Even though he left far to quickly, and I have struggled with his loss for so long, he IS still a blessing that I am very glad I could count for the time I got to spend with him.  I think everyone needs to be able to find a kindred and regardless those moments were precious.

Blessing #34 - Fate Sending Friendly Faces at Just the Right Time

Today, fate (and the Internet) steered some interesting people into the Canteen.  At first they seemed like any other group of tourists.  They heard about the Canteen on yelp.com and were the kid of customer that makes the day go faster, asking questions and really enjoying the Canteen experience.  She even went so far as to try a Canteen-del-Christa (loose meat with corn chips, ketchup, and onion in a cup instead of on a bun).  We all got to giggle at him when he asked what "pie a la mode" was.   The older gentleman with them, Normand,  was quiet but had smiling eyes and a gracious energy that poured out of him. Yup, they were thoroughly enjoyable customers and that was before I found out what made them remarkable.
You see, these three people are currently touring the country in an RV screening the documentary film Lost In Woonsocket.  Normand is one of the subjects, and I'm looking forward to receiving my copy as soon as I can get the $20.00 on my card to order it.  The film is about two alcoholic homeless men that struggle with the landmines of life on the road to recovery.  Being someone that has struggled with substance abuse issues and suicide survival in my past, it is always life affirming to meet people that aren't afraid of their own voices and are willing to go the extra mile to be a person of meaning.

Lost & Found In America Tour

Sometimes, fate puts people in your life, even for just a moment, exactly when they are supposed to be there.  I had been starting to have a hard time focusing on my progress, and instead I've been feeling like I just now woke up.  With tomorrow being the 4th anniversary of Chris's suicide (the event that finished pushing me over the edge into my whirlwind alcohol and drug addled breakdown that took my kids, my home, my job, and my self respect) meeting them tonight hopefully will help keep my perspective during the next 24 hours.  So I'm very thankful fate decided to toss them my direction tonight.

Blessing #33 - Surprising Myself

Today I was asked to figure out how to administer the voicemail system and automated attendant at the law office.  Armed with 2 technical manuals and a basic idea of how telephone systems run, I surprised myself by exceeding every one's expectations and figuring out pretty much everything I needed before the IT guy was able to return my call.  For an undereducated field tested button masher, I am pretty darned happy with myself.

Blessing #32 - Perspective

Blessing #31 - Microwave Popcorn and Arby's Milkshakes

Jamocha me crazy.  What started as a joke with my ex turned into a 2 hour completely healthy conversation about what went wrong, what we've learned, and what we need from each other going forward to rebuild our trust in each other. 

Blessing #30 - Fresh Baked

I love fresh pepperoni rolls!

Blessing #29 - Lazy Days and Sundays

I totally spaced on posting yesterday because I was so wrapped up in life.  Mom made homemade soup.  We all sat around watching movies all afternoon.  I followed that all off with a nice bubble bath and a good night from my kids.  I guess that means yesterday was a VERY good day.

Blessing #29 - Brother Sister Time

Mom and Dad were out of town for a funeral today, so Gregory and I got some bonding time in between shifts.  Lunch was Breadeaux (pizza for him and "hot" wings for me) then after work we hit up the Appanoose Rapids Brewing Company for nibbles and then Tom Tom Tavern for drinks.  Not overly impressed with the Tom Tom.  It seemed very small and the crowd was standoffish, but it was nice to get out for a moment.

The food at Breadeaux was pretty good.  Greg had an almost religious experience with his pizza.  Fresh mozzarella and a tart yet sweet sauce helped make this the best pizza either one of us has had in decades.  I enjoyed my wings, but I was surprised that they did not coat them with sauce but instead gave the sauce on the side.  The sauce, however, was really well.

Appanoose Rapids Brewing Company had a wonderful vibe.  I wasn't hungry so Greg grabbed a sandwich and I obstained.  He had ordered the Cuban, but our server brough him a Reuben by mistake.  He took a substantial bite out of it when the waitress came up, apologizing all over herself for mistake, and advised him of the screw up.  The bad thing is....he liked the Reuben better.

Yup all in all it was a yummy day and a blast spending time out of the house with my brother.

Blessing #28 - Sleeping In

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.  ~Irish Proverb

Blessing #27 - Taquitos and TV

Dad and I split a box of taquitos while watching the Big Bang Theory mini-marathon tonight.  Even though he was in an argumentative mood, we ended up spending the night giggling like school girls.  Moments like this really make me feel like I can conquer the world.